Ready For Another Year

New adventures awaits us! Let's make everyday count, you lot!

By the time you read this, it would have already been the 1st of January 2018 and I just had to write the obligatory 'New Year's' post. Before I start though, I do apologise for being MIA for the past few weeks. If you must know, I have been lounging in my bed with countless amount of paracetamols and cough syrups, feeling absolutely sorry for myself.

I wanted to post something but I was just not feeling particularly well and quite honestly not myself. I feel much better now, though still battling with the cough and flu but nothing can stop me from writing about the things that I've achieve in 2017 and what I hope to achieve in 2018. 

This is going to be a fairly long post so bare with me. A lot of things happened in 2017 and we cannot deny that it went by so fast. I feel like I blinked and here I am writing this on the very last day of 2017. Out of the many events that happened, the first thing that I can proudly say I've achieved this year is that I managed to get through my first year - halfway through my second now! - of uni without any problems. Though my results for first year wasn't as great as I wanted it to be, I'm just glad I didn't fail anything. I can also proudly say that I am still working at the same place with the same people. There was many times where I really wanted to quit but I preserved and I'm glad I did. I learned so much from working at a hotel and in the marketing department, though it can be very tiring both mentally and physically, I'm grateful for the job anyway.

Another thing that I'm kind of proud of myself which I don't think this is an achievement to anyone but it is to me and that is I've been *attempting* to wear makeup - if you can probably tell, this year. I used to be one of those girls who find makeup a bother -  I still think it is on days where I have to take my wudhu - but I quite enjoy it now. Though I was greedy at the start of the year but I think I'm over that phase now. I found products that work well for me so hopefully for the coming year, I won't spend anymore unless I am completely out of it.

I'd like to think my biggest achievement for 2017 was that I became a more positive person. There were so many times that I fell, constantly losing battles against myself but I got back up and thought to myself that there are so many people out there who have far less than I. So many people who wish they could have a quarter of the things that I have and just like that, I think more positively about everything. It's not easy though but I do wish to keep this up for years and years to come - if I make it that far.

As a whole, that pretty much summed up the things that I was proud of in the year 2017. Though I can ramble on and on about specific memories, I don't think there is anything else is worth mentioning if I'm honest so I'm going to quickly write about the things I hope to achieve in 2018. 

The first thing I would love to achieve in 2018 is to help as many people as I possibly can. And this isn't just something that is for the new year but is something that I, we should do every day. There has been so many devastating news of nature, suffering, political issues and differences everywhere, I thought why not give all that I can and to the best of my abilities to help those in need? It may not change the world, but it may make a difference in one's life. I don't know who said or wrote this but there is this quote that goes, "The world is full of good people. If you can't find one, be one" and I just try to live by my life like that, every day. 

I would also like to make a difference. This is quite vast, as I'm not sure yet what kind of difference I would like to make but I hope when I do, I will do it for myself and it will be for the better. 

I'd also like to bloody read more books. For someone who calls herself an aspiring writer, I don't read as many books as you think I would. For starters though, I'd really like to start and finish A Thousand Splendid Suns. 

Spend less money on things I absolutely do not need. Now this may be a hard one but I have come to a conclusion that I'm not getting any younger (I'm turning 22 in July! Bloody hell) and I need to save up. This will be my biggest challenge yet but hey, if other people can do it, so can I. And so I shall!

Another thing that I really want to improve on is my iman (faith) because lately I've been feeling pretty weak, which I feel absolutely horrible about. Yes, I am well aware that this isn't something you can just achieve within a few weeks or maybe throughout the whole year, but I thought I'd just put it out there. It's just something that I struggle with everyday - most days I win, other days unfortunately, as strong as I may perceive, I am defeated.

I would also like to invest more on this blog. Maybe pick a better layout? Maybe post more than once a week? Maybe start an open discussion on a specific topic? I don't know what it is yet but I'll figure it out in time. But hey, if you have any suggestions, feel free to comment something down below. 

And lastly, I would very much like to live my year (and everyday for the rest of my life for that matter) with no regrets and focus on the positive things, even on bad days; especially on bad days. I mean you never know when your last day is going to be so it's best to just live happily. New adventures are ahead and I am quite ready for it.

I guess that is all that I have for now but hopefully in time I'll know better of what to do. I'd also like to thank you for sticking with me this far. I don't know how I still have people reading my blog (it might be the fact that I literally post a link to my blog everywhere) but thank you for being here anyway. And I hope that you'll be good to yourself throughout the whole year and to remind yourself  that whenever you find yourself feeling weak and vulnerable, you'll be okay. Just keep moving forward. I promise you better days are ahead.

Happy New Year!

With love,
Haziqah. 

5 Reasons To Keep Moving Forward On A Bad Day

Because life isn't always a ray of sunshine...

Everyone has days where nothing seems right and you just can't help but think of the worst possible scenarios. As you grow older, life will certainly catch you off guard and whether you're ready for it or not, you're going to have to face the challenges. Before you sigh into oblivion, look at the world around you. You have so much, when there are others who have so little. Some have nothing at all. Though bad days are unavoidable, it doesn't mean that you can't find look for a silver lining from those days.

I thought I'd share some of the things that I usually do and the things that I hold on to whenever I feel like the entire world is against me.

Listen to your favourite songs. Sometimes music and the songs you love, communicates with your soul better than anyone can.

Look at where you are now, who would have thought that you had the ability to fight all the negativity and demons that is in your mind telling you to stop and give up? You certainly didn't think you could, but you did. You've walked for miles and miles from the beginning, you can damn well walk for another thousand of miles ahead.

Regardless of how little you have, there will be someone else who has nothing. Give something back, you'll actually feel better. It may not be much to you, but it could be literally change someone else's life. Personally, I don't think there's a better feeling than being able to provide and help those in need. Why does a  pack of sandwich comes in two pieces? Because it's meant to be shared. You won't lose anything, you'll actually end up receiving something in return.

It could be seconds after, it could be tomorrow, a year later; no matter when it happens, you will gain something. And I speak from personal experiences. Everything I'm writing about now is based on personal experiences.

Tell yourself it's okay, because it is. "I failed an exam," it's okay. "I didn't get to submit my work on time," it's okay. "I spilled coffee all over my new white jeans" it's okay. IT IS OKAY. You can relive the exact same moment a million times over and none of them could happen, and you'd still have a bad day. It's only a bad day, if you decide that it is. 

And of course the most important reason of it all is, you are alive. There is no better reason to keep moving forward other than the fact, that you are indeed, alive. Regardless of what it is you're going through, you are still alive. Pain is inevitable, but it is also temporary. I know some may have it worse than others, but as long as you still have a soul in your body, keep moving forward. After all, you have already travelled so far - why should you ever want to stop now?

Autumn.

Hello, November. 

Will you look at that, in a month time we'll be bidding good ol' 2017 goodbye. There is so much that I would like to write about, but for this post I'll just keep it short and straightforward. Like my previous posts, I still don't know if my audience still exists but if you're still here, after every post which I update once in a few months, then you are very appreciated. You have no idea how happy it truly makes me. Thank you. 

Anyway, on to the post. In my last entry, I wrote about my everyday makeup products and said I was going to write about my everyday skincare products but never did. I do apologise for that, I must admit, I did start on the post - I even took pictures and everything but then as always, I ended up deleting the post (and pictures). But my skincare products have changed just a little bit because  I recently purchased Glossier and absolutely adore it. So I might write a post on that, pretending like I'm a beauty blogger (I'm really not, I'm not even an actual blogger! I'm just a girl who has a blog and updates every once in a while).

I can't believe how fast the year has gone by, it feels faster than the previous year and 2016 went by super fast. It also hit me the other day; I've been back in London for a year (and two months as I am writing this). I've always wanted to be back in London when I was in Malaysia but now that I am, after a whole year again, I miss Malaysia. Terribly. It is and will always be, my home. The older I get, the more I appreciate everything about life. The bad, the good, the ups and the down. As cliche as it sounds, you really can't take things for granted. Because like Stephen Chbosky said, "things change. Friends leave. Life doesn't stop for anybody."

I turned 21 in July. I would never have thought I'd see the day I turned 18 let alone 21, but I am grateful. I am also in my second year of university already, which really hit me; in a year or so, I'll have my bachelor degree. The results for my first year was a-okay, I could have done better but I always say that and never actually try to do better, which is something I need to work on. Which is why this year, I have and will work extra hard so that I could say I did my absolute best and pat myself in the back.

I've recently been watching a blogger/YouTuber, The Anna Edit. Something about her just inspires me to be more organised with my life, my work and pretty much everything. I literally start to organise and clean my room, makeup and everything almost every time after I watch or read her blog post. Which is a good thing because I am a very unorganised person (not proud of this, not proud of it at all). I also want to try this 'blogging' thing more often. I know, I know, I say this almost every time but it's the thought that counts, right? *insert big grin emoji here*

I could go on and on about what has been happening but I think I'll stop here for now. I'll try to write another post and update that one for either tomorrow or Saturday. What should I write about? Maybe I'll write one about the Glossier, or about my current interests, like books, music or movies. Or I could even write about my skincare, I've always wanted to try and have a go at that. Yeah, I might just do that.

Everyday makeup products.

Hello, hello everyone! I know I have been absent for the longest time (nothing new there lol) and a lot has happened since I last updated my blog. As most of you know, the contents of this blog are mostly rambles of my personal feelings, stories of one of my many adventures and pretty much updates about my life, as I had intended this blog to be. However, in today's post I have decided to try out something new and different because why not? 

Recently, I've been feeling really inspired and I wanted to write it all down before I lose that 'inspiration' or 'motivation' or in other words, before I get too lazy again. It's a bad habit and I've been trying to update more post on this blog and my wordpress but I guess 'life' got in the way. And I have also been really obsessed with anything Korean related (Kpop, K- dramas, Korean food… you get the drill) recently. I've been particularly obsessed with BTOB and I can go on forever about them but that's not what today's post is about. In today's post, as you can probably tell from the title and picture that I took, (A+ for effort in making it look aesthetically pleasing) I will be writing about the makeup products that I use everyday - not really everyday, because I'm not the type of person to even wear makeup (just started learning earlier this year!) but let's say every other day, or when I'm feeling  bothered at all.

Most -  if not all - of my makeup products are from the drugstore because I am a cheapskate and I'd rather splurge a little bit more money on skin care products rather than makeup. Plus, drugstore brands perform just as good as a higher end products so I don't see why I should spend 30-50 quid on a foundation/concealer/palette etc. However, lipsticks are an exception because I love lipsticks. But hey if you are the type of person who loves spending your money on higher end products, do you boo.

Okay, now let's get started.

I have a combination oily to dry skin but I much prefer my skin to feel hydrated than dry so before I put on any makeup, I prep my face with a lot of hydrating products. After I prep my face - I will write that in a different post - I use the Soap & Glory Speed Plump as a primer before I apply any makeup on. It's technically not a primer but a super hydrating moisturiser but it makes my face feel tacky as it has glycerin in it so that makes the product stick to my face better. I actually bought this because of sophdoesnails on YouTube. She's a UK YouTuber and she uses/reviews a lot of drugstore products and usually her recommendations are spot on which is why I gave it a go. So far I can say that I quite like it.

So after I prime my face, on days where I feel extra bothered or want that extra coverage, I use the Bourjois 123 Perfect CC cream in the shade Bronze & Rose Beige (I mix them together). The thing about me is I like wearing very light makeup. I am that person who wears the 'no makeup makeup' because personally, I don't like the feeling of a heavy foundation on my face so I opt for CC or BB creams. What I like about this CC cream is that you can build it up to a medium coverage which again personally I feel like that's already too much for me. This CC cream has an SPF 15 and it covers pretty much any discolouration, dark circles and spots. I find that this product is really lightweight which I love and I apply a thin layer and blend it with a Real Techniques sponge so it makes my skin still looks like skin but better. On other days where I don't need any coverage and I feel like my face is looking dull and I need just a little help, I use the Body Shop All In One BB Cream. This BB Cream  has no coverage but it adapts to your skin colour - I use the darkest shade (4) - and it just makes your face looks more awake. It doesn't cover anything which I don't really mind because personally my skin is not that bad. It's not oily or drying on the skin which is nice and overall I really like these two products. It does the job but it's also not as heavy as an actual foundation. The only downside to these products is that the shade range is a complete joke. My skin tone is I would say tanned caramel and for both products I am the darkest shade which sucks to be honest because there are so many beautiful skin tones out there and they don't cater to them.

Moving on, the concealer that I use is the Maybelline Eraser Eye or aka Instant Age Rewind in the shade Honey (which is also the darkest shade! Smh and it's still fairly light for me) and I love it. It really does conceal all the spots and dark circle under my eyes. It is full coverage but I use just a little swipe under the eyes, spots and places I need to conceal so it still looks natural. I have been meaning to try the Maybelline Fit Me concealer as well as it has more shade range so I might give that a go in the future.

Of course after the base, you would need to powder your face and under eyes to stop the concealer from creasing (I obviously have been watching far too many makeup videos on YouTube lol) and I use the Coty Airspun Translucent Powder. I bought mine on Amazon and the reason why I bought it was because Jbunzie  and Tati (also YouTubers) spoke so highly of this powder so I was like why not try it. It's great, it mattifies my face pretty well and it makes my skin feels soft. The only downside to this product is, it is a loose powder so it's hard to put in a makeup bag for when I need to touch up but I hardly ever do that anyway so it doesn't bother me much. I powder my face using the same damped sponge from Real Techniques that I used for my base.

After I powder my face, I bronze my face with The Body Shop Honey Bronzer in shade 4. They have two darker shades after 4 so it's a little better than the first two products I mentioned. I bought this Honey Bronzer because I heard so many good things about it so I decided to give it a try and honestly after powdering my face, I need a little colour so I don't look unnaturally pasty. I don't use blushers so I like that this bronzer warms up my face. It blends really well and the colour compliments my skin well. I just use a normal, cheap buffing brush I got from Primark to blend everything in.

Because I go for the very natural, minimal look, I never go overboard with anything and that includes highlighter. I like a soft, highlight because I do not want to look like I've been running a marathon. So I use the Sleek Face Contour & Highlighting kit in the shade medium. The highlighter in the Sleek kit is really soft and subtle which I really like, it gives a sort of glow from within. If I want to contour, I would use the contour shade in the same kit using the same brush as the bronzer. One brush for everything, quick and easy.

For my eyebrows, I don't really do much with it. Because I don't thread, shape or do anything with my eyebrows, I just brush them with a spoolie and lightly draw upwards with the Maybelline Master Shape in dark brown. My natural eyebrows are already thick so sometimes I just brush them and leave it at that. As for eye shadow, I use the same Honey Bronzer from Body Shop and use my finger to apply  on my crease to give my eyes a little colour. As for my lashes, I LOVE full, fluttery eyelashes and since mine are pretty long naturally, I'm not particularly fussy about mascara. I use an eyelash curler and apply the Rimmel Volume Shake Mascara. This mascara is honestly not the greatest but I take most of the product off on a tissue before applying a thin layer on my lashes and like I mentioned, since my natural lashes are already long, it doesn't bother me if it doesn't give me much volume. It's not clumpy and it does the job so I'm not too fussy about it. However on days where I don't have to pray, I use a waterproof mascara, Miss Baby Roll Mascara from L'Oreal and that is a great mascara. It's a bit of a pain to get rid off but it's a great mascara. I might have to buy the normal version of it. 

Finally the lips. I love lipsticks the most, so on days where I don't wear makeup at all, I would at least apply some lipstick so that I wouldn't look so dead. I use quite a few lipsticks regularly and some of them are liquid lipsticks from Sleek in the shade Birthday Suit or Bittersweet, Rimmel The Only One Lipstick in the shade Naughty Nude, Maybelline Colour Sensational in Nude Mocha, Coffee Crazy mixed with Beige Babe, Sephora cream lip stain shade 01, Rimmel liquid lipsticks in Be My Baby or Moca and The Body Shop liquid lipstick in the shade Windsor Rose. If I wear a more nude brown lipstick, I use a lip liner I bought from Primark for a quid in the shade toffee and honestly this lipliner pairs wear with most of my brown nude lipsticks! And I love it. However fall is approaching and I might have to buy a few more shades to add to my collection. A girl can never have too many lipsticks ;)

So that's that guys. This was a longer post than I had intended to write but I wanted to write it as detail as possible as to why I like it and I figured this was something different than my usual post so I thought might as well, right? I hope whoever reads this post finds this somewhat informative? Entertaining? Helpful? I don't know but I hope you enjoyed reading this, whoever you may be. Oh, I almost forgot. Sometimes when I remember to do this step, I use the Makeup Revolution Setting Spray to set all that product in so it lasts longer through the day (until I have to take my wudhu/ablution then I don't bother with my face anymore. Lol). That's all I have for today so, until the next post - which will probably be about my skincare routine so stick around!

Thanks for reading.

x,

Haziqah. 

PRODUCTS MENTIONED

Soap & Glory Speed Plump All Day Super Moisture (£13)

Bourjois 123 Perfect CC Cream (£9.99)

The Body Shop All-In-One BB Cream (£12)

Maybelline Age Rewind Concealer in Honey (£7.99)

Coty Airspun Powder (Amazon)

Real Techniques Sponge (£4.99)

The Body Shop Honey Bronzer Shade 4 (£14)

Sleek Contour & Highlight Kit Face Powder shade medium (£6.99)

Maybelline Master Shape Brow Pencil Dark Brown (£2.99)

Rimmel Volume Shake Mascara (£8.99)

L'Oreal Miss Baby Roll Mascara (£7.99)

Sleek Matte Me Birthday Suit/Bittersweet (£4.99)

Rimmel The Only One Lipstick Naughty Nude (£6.99)

Rimmel Stay Matte Liquid Lipstick (£5.99)

The Body Shop Liquid Lipstick Windsor Rose (£6)

Maybelline Colour Sensational lipsticks (£6.99)

Sephora Cream Lip Stain (I bought this back in Malaysia and I believe it was RM 49)

Primark lipliner 'toffee' (£1)

Makeup Revolution Setting Spray (£5)

First year down, two to go.

Hello, hello. Yes it is I. I am still here, still alive and I'm back again with a new post. First of all, how y'all doing? I hope everyone (if there is anyone) is doing great. I for one am not doing so bad, if I do say so myself. I'm just a little stunned at the fact that I have two weeks of uni left before I finish my first year. I started in September. Where did the time go? Honestly, I feel like the months went by just like that and I have no idea what I've done since September *insert laughing emoji here*.

That's not entirely true, I know what I've done but I feel like the course that I'm studying is so chilled and I don't know how I feel about it. It's like a love-hate relationship. I hope for my second year, which I'm starting in October (yes, I have 5 months break) will have more work… Did I just say that? Yes, yes I did. I really don't have a lot of exciting things to talk about in today's blog unfortunately, I just wanted to write a quick update to let you know that I am still here, and I think I'll always be here. Unless I die, then there's that.

I do want to talk about something I recently picked up an interest in but I want to do that in a different post because I think it's more appropriate. Oh yeah, there is something else I wanted to update on; I think I mentioned this before but I have another blog, it's meant to be for uni but even after uni finishes, I'm still going to keep it and update regularly (well, I'll try anyway) on it. And it's mostly about my work, any pieces of writing or poem or whatever that I have, I'll post it on there. I feel like it's a good platform for me to improve and we all have to start somewhere right?

I'd really appreciate it if you, whoever you are can take a look at it here and give some feedback or a productive criticism or even love on anything that I've posted. I accept it all unless if you're going to be a dick then I won't tolerate it. Even if it's THAT bad, let me know nicely because I am not a professional though I hope to be one day and that's why I'm doing this blogging thing, you know? I really don't have anything else so I guess that's all I have for today then.

x, Haziqah.

A fresh start.

Image from here.

Strange as it seems, it's already 2017. I know, it's been so long since I last updated this blog.. or any blogs that I have actually. I have no specific reasons as to why I haven't been writing, I just didn't feel like it. Oh, by the way, Happy New Year! A lot has happened since I last updated and I wish I could say that all of it was exciting, adventurous stuff but I can't. But I'll tell you about all the good and blessed things that took place in 2016.

First of, I moved back to London… which I assume some of you who follow me on my social medias you would already know (… and she writes as if she's a celebrity). The day I found out I was moving back to London, I didn't know what to feel. I always thought that if I were ever to move back, I would be the happiest person on Earth because I always thought London was home but when I found out, I literally bawled. Like an infant. For someone who has never had a proper place to call home, no real friendships that last for years, I finally found what I can call home in Malaysia. It's true what they say, home is not a place but rather a person.. or a feeling. It's kind of sad if you think about it but sometimes in order to be a better person or have a better life, you need to make sacrifices. 

On the brighter side though, I have the chance to do my degree in London. For those who are wondering what course I am majoring in, it is Creative Writing and Journalism. I actually applied for a different course but time wasn't on my side back then so I just went with what I was offered. I was pretty happy anyway because at least I'll finally be studying on how to become an actual writer. I wasn't so keen on the journalism part, particularly because I have never wanted to become a journalist or even thought about having to do anything with journalism but hey, life works in mysterious ways and sometimes it's for the best. Who knows I might be the world's best journalist one day (not really but a girl can dream).

Though leaving home was hard, London has and will always be a part of me so all in all, I was or am content with this journey that I am currently on. So, unto a more sad story; I don't know why but it seems like every year, I will always fall out with someone. Sometimes more than one person and it is really sad because you thought - you hoped - that those people will always be in your life forever but you thought wrong. A new year's post for 2016, I wrote about spending time with two best people that I've ever known but as time goes by those same people somehow abandoned (?) no, abandon is too strong.. I would say forgotten me within one year and the funniest thing was, I always thought that they out of all the people in the world would never do such a thing but I guess I was wrong. I'm not going to lie, at first it felt like hell. Being slowly forgotten and then as the year proceed, more and more I was completely out of the picture. But that's the thing that hurt the most, it was just me. They still seem to be getting along just fine with each other; it was just me that they left behind.

Sometimes I wonder if somehow it was my fault, but every time I look back at it, I don't know what I did wrong. I am not writing this out of self pity, or that I want anyone to feel sorry for me but it has been a while since I last wrote anything in my blog so why not? From time to time, I endured the pain and thought to myself you know what? It's fine. Maybe they were all just busy and I mean I can't really blame them because everyone has a life of their own, so I let things go. But as the year goes by, the pain was just too much for me so I really decided to let them go. I mean it hurts seeing them together laughing and joking when I used to be in the picture.. It hurts seeing them act like nothing was wrong when they, out of all the people should know me and how I really am but I guess that's just it. Maybe in those three years of being "best friends", they never really knew me at all. Sometimes when I think back of all the things we went through, of all the times that I was there for them when no one else was, times when I was the only person who believed in them when no one did, was all those time and love worth it? Till this day, I'm still trying to figure it out if I'm honest.

I'm not one to bring things up, but I just wonder if it was worth; if they were worth it. Three years, a lot happened in those three years. For every birthdays, I always thought of how to make them happy. For every problem, I was always there to listen and carry the burden with them because that's what friends do. And funnily enough, I thought they were my friends too but jokes on me, huh? It took me a lot of courage to let them go because even though it was just a short period of time, for someone like me who constantly move around a lot, who constantly needs to make new friends, I really loved them. There isn't anything that I wouldn't do for a friend. But I guess, Allah has better plans for me, for them and it's all been written down so there's no use to linger or stress over it. Whatever that happened was for the best and what's important right now is to keep moving forward and never look back.

On a more happier note though, old friendships rekindled, I am still in love with the same person, I started wearing the hijab and got myself closer to my creator, my Lord, my family is healthy and alive, and as am I. 2016 has been a year full of surprises and lessons - as all the previous years was - and overall, it was a damn good year. I am excited of what 2017 is going to bring to the table but whatever it is, I am ready. So my new year's resolution is this:
1) To become a better daughter, for my parents because they deserved nothing but the best.
2) To become a diligent, honoured student and prove to myself that I can do it.
3) To become a better lover, for my beloved; for he is ever so patient and kind and loving to me.
4) To become a better Muslim.
And last but not least, 5) to become a better person in general.

And here is to you, whatever it is that troubled you in 2016, leave it there. Whatever and whoever that made you unhappy, let them go no matter how hard it is. I promise you, better things are ahead. It's the new year and you have 363 days to create memories, go on adventures, discover new things, love more people and be happy. Even on days when you feel like the world is against you, just smile and count your blessings because there are others in this world that wish they have your life. If you are a Muslim, say alhamdulillah everyday because you are alive and if that's not enough to be happy about then I don't know what is.

Have a magical year ahead.

Love,
Haziqah. 

A new adventure to happiness.

Hello hello, everyone. I hope it's not too late for me to wish everyone a Happy New Year, right? Well, Happy New Year to whoever's out there! Before I start writing any further, I would like to wish you all a wonderful year ahead. I know I'm a wee bit too late, considering it's almost February but we're only one month in and it's never too late to wish something good to other people. I also hope that any one of you who had a terrible year before, have the courage to leave it all behind and start something that makes you genuinely happy. I desperately wish for anyone of those who was hurt by someone or something in 2015 forgive what it was that hurt you and forget about it. Keep moving forward, because time is ticking and life doesn't stop, nor does it wait for anyone. I watched a movie called 'The Curious Case of Benjamin Buttons' and there's this one particular quote in the movie which really helps me to move forward, whenever I feel like this is the end of it for me. "For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again." I really hope that whoever feels like that it's the end for them, it really isn't. You have a choice. You always have a choice.

So, I'd like to write about a person, who I feel like has made an impact in my life like no one else. Don't get me wrong, this is not one of my cliche 'love story' again. Have you heard of the saying, "some people come into your life for a reason, others for a season"? Well, to me this particular person is both. I'd like to think so anyway. I wouldn't say that 2015 was the worst year for me, but there were a few times I felt like I wanted it to be over so badly and this is where this person came in because out of nowhere, he appeared in my life and though momentarily, he reminded me of what it feels like to be worthy of something. It's a little sad that he's gone but I'm pretty sure there are souls out there similar to mine who needs his aid more than I do and maybe that's why he left. His purpose was met and so he left my life, to go on and remind others that they too, are worth something. I do miss our late night conversations though, they always make me feel at peace. I feel serene whenever I talk to him. I don't know if anyone else has ever felt this way about another soul, but the moment we knew each other I felt somehow connected to him in ways I can't express. To me, he was like a character from a book. Too good to be true. He was unreal, and in the best possible way.

Out of everyone I've ever known in my 19 years of living, no one has ever made me feel as connected with someone than he did. It's like reading a book and finding yourself completely dumbfounded by the protagonist because you wish for a character as such to exist in the real world? As silly and cheesy as this sounds, that's how I felt about him. He reminded me of Alex, a character from one of my favourite books called Delirium. So full of love, dreams and hopes; yet full of mysteries. I miss our late night conversations because I'd like to think that's where his true self appeared; when he was most vulnerable and honest. I could be wrong, but that's just how I feel. He could've meant otherwise but I'd like to believe he was sincere with every word he's ever uttered to me. It was the things that he said to me, which makes me feel extremely grateful to be, well me - plain, old, boring Haziqah. I really would like to share a few of the things that he told me but I think it's better if I keep it to myself, like our own little secret.

I do apologize if I sound like I've fallen completely in love with this person but truth is, I'm not. I don't have that sort of feeling towards him at all. I just feel like it's wonderful to have come across someone who was in sync with me; someone who reminded me of myself. I'm not sure if he still reads my blog but if he stumbles upon it, I'd like to say,

Hey. I hope you'll have an amazing year this year and I hope that all the choices that you make in this life makes you happy, the same way you make the people around you happy. I hope that life is good to you, and I hope that whatever happens in this life you'll never lose that faith; the faith that you said I had in me. I hope God is always with you and helps you, and I really wish too, that the person who makes you happy right now can and will always kiss your pain away because you deserve nothing but happiness.

I guess that's it. Till my next post, x. 

Love is, love.

I haven't blogged in a while now. It's always been that way hasn't it? I have all the time in the world - especially now, and yet I still can't find the right time, the right mood to blog. I don't think there are anyone who still reads my blog anyway, it's vastly uninteresting and very very cliche. I try not to be but who am I kidding, I'm a very cliche, hopeless romantic person. In some ways I quite appreciate that part of myself. It makes me feel more humane. Though I can be, very very cynical when I want to. Rarely happens though, but I can be.

With that being said, there's something that's been bothering me and I just have to get it out of my chest. As everyone in this world knows, I've always been very unfortunate when it comes to the matter of love or relationships. I can't think of a single relationship that I've been in that actually worked. Sounds quite sad, doesn't it? Tragic really, but that's okay. I have hope and faith. Things are going to work out for me one of these days and it'll be immensely satisfying. 

But no, that's not what I wanted to write about. I wanted to ask, if there are by any chance anyone who's still creeping up on this blog, I'd like to ask you a question. What is love to you? Personally. And why do you love? Please do comment on this. I'd really like to know. Of course I have asked a few of my really good, close friends about this and most of their answers were very... Let's say, original. One time I asked a dear friend of mine and he told me love was, in fact a person. It is not a feeling but a person. That was a very different and refreshing way of looking at it. Haha. I was asked to describe love, and I went with the cliche love is a pain. Very, very original huh? Haha. But now whenever I think about it, I don't really have an answer for it. 

It is neither painful nor beautiful, neither a person nor a feeling. It's just.. Love. One can never truly explain what love really is. You feel it in the deepest, darkest part of you. Love can be a choice, it can be a decision. It has a lot of meaning to it; all depending on different individuals. Even the worst kind of human beings feel love, right? I have this odd habit of reading about serial killers. Now, before you come to any conclusion that I am not normal because of this, I just feel very intrigued by them that's all. If you're thinking I might be one then you're wrong. I'm not that smart to kill and get away with it. Though I wish I was.. Kidding! Just kidding. Anyways, I read about them and most of them stated that by killing or performing a necrophilic act or cannibalism or dismembering their victims, it makes them happy - which is really wrong and very disturbed by the way - and it's a way of them to express their love. It's very uncomfortable and inappropriate but I find it interesting. They must've gone through a lot in their life until the only way they can feel loved or love is through inhumanly acts. It's quite amazing really, how the human mind works. 

I realise, I've sort of gone off topic.. I do beg your pardon, I tend to do that a lot. But at least you know a weird fact about me, eh? Haha. So that's that. Love is.. Love. Personally I think when people ask me, "why do you love him so much?" (him not being anyone in this particular context) To be completely honest and fair, I haven't got the slightest clue. Personally, I think that if you love someone, there shouldn't be a reason to it. If you have a reason for loving someone, then what if one day that reason is no longer valid? Does that mean you don't love them anymore? Or does it mean that you've simply gone pass that reason and found a new reason why you love them? 

I may sound rather confusing but think about it. Loving someone shouldn't have reasons to it. You love someone because you just do.. You just do. Not because they make you happy or smile or feel all the butterflies inside of you. It's certainly not about their looks or the fact that they buy you stuff and pay for your food. You love them simply because they exist. That should be more than enough reasons, right?

I realise if you're a realist there's more to that. Yes, it is true. A relationship or marriage can never work with just love or the idea of it. It just can't. There's responsibility, there's compromises. There's trust and loyalty. Who am I to deny all of this when it's the absolute truth? But you see - this is my opinion 100%, you don't have to go crazy if you disagree - those things are a part of a commitment. Not a part of loving someone. You love someone because you do because again love is just, love. Everyone is entitled to their own perception of love. I have loved and at some point was loved in return and for that I am grateful. I am grateful to have loved someone for who they are and vice versa. I guess you could say I'm a bit of a realist too. Just a little, 80% of me is made up entirely by romance and good intentions. Which sucks, most of the time. But we can't change who we really are, right?

Anyway, for my next post I'm going to at least attempt to write about something more interesting. Like my views on political issues, perhaps? But those things can get very nasty so I might have to reconsider. Maybe I'll recommend a few good movies; I'm quite the film geek. Or a few good books. I don't know, but I'll find something. Till then, thank you for wasting maybe about 5 minutes of your life reading this.

Wanderlust

A week into the new year. That was fast wasn't it? So far, everything is going pretty well. I haven't exactly been doing much but I've been writing a lot and that's a good thing. I'm using my last week of holiday catching up on some reading. I still haven't finished Eleanor & Park which I started in November last year. Sad, isn't it? Anyway, on New Year's Eve, I was with a couple of my friends and the three of us went for coffee at 1.30 a.m. and as usual, all we did was talk. It was nice, talking about life with two of your closest companions. We talked about the past, before we all came to be friends, we talked about how we became to be friends, we talked about the present, current issues, our lives, friends, friends of friends - the whole idea basically. We even talked about the future, like who'd get married first out of the three of us at the coffee table. 

See, the thing about us three is that we are somewhat the same people. We share the same thoughts and ideas and yet we're completely different people. It's a bit of both really. So when the conversation about 'love' popped up on the table, it was funny. Yeah, that's the word I'd use to describe it. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean it's hilarious-comedy-laugh-out-loud funny, it's more like we all know each other too well and yet we still sort of tried to figure each other out. I probably don't make sense right now but it's okay. Haha. Okay, one of my friends is 25 years old this year. He, obviously has more experiences that I and my other friend does. He too, is someone that I look up to, in a lot of different ways. He to me, is like a guardian. A person who would always look out for you and look after you when you really need it, sometimes even when you don't need it. He's always there, if you need guidance and the top thing I respect him the most for is that he never ask for anything back. So, he talked about his past lovers, his past education and how fucked up life can get sometimes for him but knowing what kind of a person he is, he lets it slide past him. That's courage. The kind of courage I would like to have someday. So when the mysterious (or maybe not) question 'who is going to get married first?' came up, he said my other friend would. I should probably introduce their names; Aqilah (the other friend) and Fuad (the 25 year old). Aqilah is like a book character. The kind that isn't exactly the main character but plays an important role in the entire story. Without her in the book, there wouldn't be a story. She's quiet, funny, smart but can also be very foolish sometimes (in a good way) and everything else that is kind and soft in the world. She's never been the kind of person to find 'love' easily or to have a boyfriend but love found her at the most unexpected time with the most unexpected person and that's why we predicted she would be the first to marry. It's funny, right?

To my surprise, I'd actually thought the both of them would say I was next on the list but I was actually last. It sounds sad but it really isn't. "Haziqah, your life is never meant to be lived in just one place". Marriage to me, has always been something that should be based on more than love. Once you're tied, you're signing up for a lifetime of responsibilities and commitments and of course all the adventures you're going to go through with your own family. I'm not saying I don't want that, of course I do, everyone does but.. I guess, the world has so much more for me than settling down so soon. I guess I understand why they said that.. My dad traveled when he was young. He's been to almost literally 90% of the globe. And now he's home, with us, with my mother. Maybe that's sort of the life that I crave for.. I'm kind of hoping that it will be. It makes me both really sad and really happy at the same time. I always talk about hope, and in the most sincerest way possible, they give me hope. 

- J.R.R Tolkien

Destination: forever.

Will you look at the date? January 3rd, 2015. Time is flying by miraculously fast and honestly if time was a person, I'd find it and ask it - maybe even beg - for it to slow down. Nothing scares me more than not having enough time or running out of time and frankly, I'm feeling both of it at the same time. 

Anyways, I didn't really get to wrap up my 2014. Lame, I know but I feel like I need to do this post. So, I was scrolling through my camera roll in my phone and I came across this photograph of the people who mean the world to me. I've got a lot of close, good friends but no one will or can in that matter ever replace the people in this photo in my life. It's amazing how insignificantly small you are to the world world and yet how significantly large some people can mean to you. I have to say that 2014 was a damn good year. I mean, I am probably one of those lucky people who get to say that my year was amazing and I can't wait for the next. Now that we are in the new year, I'm feeling very good and positive as I did the year before. Maybe that's why I had such a good year; I tend to find the good in everything that happened despite the fact that whatever happened might have hurt me; mentally or emotionally. 

It's true what they say, mind over matter. You set your mind to live positively happy and you'll lead a happy life. Has anyone ever watched a movie titled About Time (which is one of the most brilliant movies ever made, might I add)? If so, you'd probably understand me when I say that seeing life in two completely different perspective really is vital in order to live your life. You view it in a negative way, you'd end up having a really bad day and on the contrary, if you view it in a positive way, you'd have such a happy life - despite all the problems that you have. If you haven't watched it, I highly recommend you do. It's so much more than just being in love with your significant other, it's about being in love with your family and life itself and all it's flaws and imperfections.

That's probably my 2014 in a nutshell. I had my bad days but I certainly covered it up with my good ones. The reason why I chose this photo is that these people mean so much to me, more than they'll ever know. I have my parents and brothers, and I'll always put them ahead of me first in life before anyone else in the world. But after that comes them; my ingeniously beautiful cousin, her annoying yet very loveable boyfriend (who might I add my soon to be official cousin too - yes, they're tying the knot!) and of course my best friend, the one who's stuck with me for the past 6 - now 7 - years.

Frankly, I don't know why I felt like I needed to write this post entry. Maybe it's because you should always let the people you love know that you love them. 

A Toast!

January 1st, 2015. Like many others who have wished upon any of you out there, Happy New Year! I do, sincerely wish everyone a wonderful year this year, make plans, figure things out, fuck things up and learn from it everyday, be a better person, seek for adventures, never lose faith in what you believe in and I wish you all a year filled with love and happiness and positivity. I don't have much to say other than probably I am eternally grateful and Alhamdulillah to Allah for blessing me with this life - I could not have asked to live any other life.

Thank you to those who has made my 2014 such a memorable year, filled with tears, smiles, rain and sunshine. I have lost really good friends along the way and it is sad that life didn't work out between our friendship, nevertheless I wish them a very happy year ahead. What's life without it's unexpected surprises, right? 

So here, I'd like to make a toast: here's to new beginnings and new adventures, may they all be as memorable as the last ones and here's to the ones who stayed and will - if God wills it - forever stay, thank you. I am looking forward to go on this journey with you. 

Little do we know, it's almost January 2nd as I am making this entry. With all of my heart, I do wish you all a wondrous year. Leave the bad behind, focus on the good. Make the most of life while you can but never forget where you came from. God is with us all. Be good to others as others will be good to you, life works in funny funny ways. Look at where we are now, it's two thousand and fifteen. That's been a journey, find the silver lining in everything. 

The world has cared for us, now it is our turn to care for it. 

All my love,

Haziqah. 

Tranquility

For me, writing has always been something that I'm passionate about. As a child, I was always uncertain of what I wanted to be in the future and that's normal I suppose but as I grew older I realized that I don't only love writing; I find it calming. I love creating a scene in my head and type it down in my laptop or actually scribble it in a book or a journal. I love describing a situation that exists in my imagination for others to read. I love having a world of my own and then share it with others who can or might relate to it. 

It gives me some sort of peace. However, the thing with me is that I can be very, extremely lazy unless I am motivated not to be. As much as I hate to admit this, I realized something about myself; I need someone to motivate me to do it otherwise I wouldn't. Not exactly wouldn't do it at all, but it'd take a much longer time for me to do so and that's not good at all. I see a lot of aspiring young writers these days, who loves doing the same thing I love and I envy them sometimes because of how beautiful they write sometimes. It's a very competitive world, and everyone's struggling to get to where they want to be. 

It's almost 2015, and in June or July of next year I will be doing my internship. It'd be brilliant if I could do something that requires creative writing. However, in reality people look for something that's so much more than that. I'd like to be positive and think that not everyone can succeed all at once and that in time slowly, life will take me to where I want to be with effort, faith, hope and God's will. I am also 19 next year, which baffles me how time flies. I remember the first time I ever started blogging, I was 14. That was 4 years ago. A lot has changed, I assure you that. 

I do suppose things will always change as time goes by as long as we're still alive. If God wills it, 10 years from now I want to make my parents proud of my achievements and hopefully humbly repay them for what they have done for me all these years. 

P/S: I probably have one of the worst penmanship, but that's okay. All writers have bad hand writing. 

A sliver of hope.

There are some nights or some days where you feel completely good about everything. It's not like something spectacular took place for you on the day or night itself but you just suddenly feel really good in general. It could've been because you heard a song that just made you smile, or talked to someone you haven't talked to for a long time for hours and hours. It could've been because you watched a video or saw an old photo which took you back to old, amazing memories. These little things are the things that could change your entire perspective within seconds; just as how the tiniest thing can change you to feel absolutely shit in another.

But that's not the point of this post tonight. I suddenly feel very chirpy tonight for some odd reason which I, myself have not yet discover. I think it's because I was listening to this cover of Fly Me to The Moon originally by Frank Sinatra. It was covered by Julien Mueller and it doesn't have any specific meaning to me but the way he covered it filled me with a feeling of joy that made me smile so much. After a while I started browsing for old R'n'B songs, allowing the lyrics and melody to flow through me like water.

Some songs though (not just songs really, almost anything) can take you back to a place in your head only you remember and no one else can go there. You have the ability and the power to rewind to that particular moment as many times as you want and as perfect as you want it to be. It happens to me a lot, especially when I listen to a song or a melody. When I read a book, stumble across a photo or an image. Even when I smell something, anything. Something will always remind me of a memory, buried deep within my mind. It's amazing.

I sometimes wonder how God has already planned for everyone's lives even before we existed when we can't even plan on where to have our dinner or what clothes do we want to wear tomorrow. How brilliant is that? It's important to have faith, because having faith means having hope. And when you have hope, life is worth living. And when you have hope, you're invincible and what problems that you face today, you will get through it. That's how I get by (and honestly that's what you've taught me), always have hope for a better day, a better life.

Life is nothing but an adventure, let it be good or bad.

"Love, like everything else in life, should be a discovery, an adventure, and like most adventures, you don't know you're having one until you're right in the middle of it." - E.A Bucchianeri, Brushstrokes of a Gladfly.

---

It has been almost half a year since I last updated my blog. Time flew by me and I didn't even realize that it did. I apologize in advance if this sort of thing ever occurs again. I do wonder if there are still anyone who reads my blog, I doubt there is. It doesn't matter. Over the past six months that I haven't updated anything on my blog, there are so many things I would like to write about and share what it is that I have experienced. However, I feel as if there aren't a lot of time for me to update on everything; details by details so I guess I'll just write about it in general.

So, where do I start, eh? Twenty fourteen has so far been one of the most challenging year for me. Like I mentioned before, time flew by pass me and with everything else in between that happened or are still happening, I am not aware of it. I am, however aware of the changes that happened to me in life everyday. Take how I've lost a friend, a very good friend for instance. We used to be so close, everyone said we could even pass as twins. It's sad how everything can just change in over a short amount of time. The worst thing about it is, he changed because supposedly he found 'love' in a person who he knows I despise the most. Maybe he was broken after what happened between us, and he has all the right in the world to look for someone else but the fact that he degraded himself to a level that low, I feel betrayed and honestly, disappointed. I think I will forever love him, and treasure our friendship but things are different now, and that's sad. It really is.

Okay, so something less sad now eh. I hate college with my every living being however I have friends with beautiful souls that have stuck with me since the very first day and I feel blessed that I have them. It's not that I'm depending on them, I've actually been quite independent ever since I got here really it's just that I feel so attached to them I don't want anyone else to have them, or to be a part of us. It's quite ridiculous how I'm sort of making them my property, but I can't help it. That's how I feel. I don't mean it in a bad intention or anything, but I can't help feeling possessive over them. Doesn't mean I control their life or anything, it's just how I feel. I'm not going mad, trust me, I mean this in the best way possible.

I am forever grateful for their friendship and for the constant adventures that we find ourselves stumble upon. Sure, from time to time we face some problems and conflicts but one thing that makes me really happy is that whenever we do, it never really lasts because we forgive each other. They forgive me, as I will always forgive them. Because when you love someone - no matter in what way you love them - you will always put them ahead of you, and you will always forgive their mistakes. I'm excited to go on more adventures with them; creating memories for us to look back on years and years from now and smile or laugh when we reminisce about it.

When you open up to someone, it's like you're giving half of your life to them; like showing a piece of writing that you have yet to finish to someone hoping that they will enjoy the story and are looking forward to read it when it's finished. That's how I feel sometimes with them, I feel like the story that I have written so far is enough to keep them interested and is enough to keep them around. I pray to God that He allows these wonderful people to remain in my life through all the rains and rainbows. I hope whatever that happens to me in the future, I will still have them to tell every little details about my life.

I have so much to be thankful for, and believe me God am I thankful for everything in life. I just wish that sometimes we can all just be with our soul mates and live happily ever after. Alas, life does not work in that way for we do not live in movie fantasies or books. Nevertheless, I am still more than grateful for this life.

I am on my semester break now, so I have a lot of free time on my hand. I know I say this almost all the time but I really do want to start writing again. I forgot how I felt whenever I write and I'd like to remind myself how good I felt when I do. I guess after all that I've been through I was sort of uninspired and lack the motivation to do so. It's all different now, well for now. Let's just hope it actually lasts, for the first time.

Let me be the one.

                               

It's April, I can't remember the last time I updated my blog. I suppose it doesn't matter much, I don't think anyone still bother about reading my blog. I don't even have the actual time to update anything on it anymore too. Well, at least not as often as I used to.

Food for thought: taking risks often lead to heartbreaks and disappointment, but that doesn't mean it's not worth it. I'd like to reflect this back to May (or was it June?) last year. It's been almost a year and I still haven't exactly fathom why it's you who I still think about. A year and with everything that's going on in my life, you've never left my mind not even for a bit. I wonder if I'm still in love with you, or whether it's the memories that haunt me. I tend to make myself busy with other things but either way, I never stopped thinking of you. 

Now though, now I want to be brave again and take more risks. The kind of risk you taught me to take. I want to speak only the truth; of feelings and love. I want to go on new adventures, take new risks, learn all the beautiful things about life. I might have this with someone new, but I'll always think of you. You taught me all these things and one must never forget those who once made them the happiest they've ever been. Even if it was for a little while.

I must admit though, I have lost myself again in trying to discover the way out of this twisted labyrinth and I've let myself in a lot of holes and traps that's honestly quite easy to escape from but somehow, stupidly enough I make it hard for myself to get out. These are the things that I have not yet come to understand why I do it to myself. 

Falling again after you've picked yourself back up is probably one of the most tiring thing to do, emotionally. It's not like you planned to fall; one day you get to know a person and they planted seeds inside of you waiting for a garden to grow, full of flowers full of life and suddenly they decided to stop watering it. They decided that they want to plant new seeds. Then what's left of the garden is just, wilted flowers and toxic weeds. I'm not exactly sure if this is how I feel right now but it's how I felt once before.

Falling isn't exactly the word that I'd use to describe it but I definitely have developed some sort of attachment to this one particular person. However I can't and won't give in, unless I'm sure that he too, feels the same. This goes back to May (or maybe it was June, I can't remember) last year. It's exactly how I felt. I want to have the ability to tell the truth, but there's just something that's pulling me back. 

The risk I took with you, giving us a second chance was not a mistake but was a lesson. You were that individual who walked in my life to teach me that everyone should be afraid of taking risks but it's if you're willing to or not. You left me wounded and scarred but that doesn't mean that it wasn't worth the risk. 

Books and dreams.

It's been a while since I last wrote a story. I always feel uninspired and have zero ideas on what to write about. Like I can write for a bit and then get distracted by something and just abandon the story that I've built and I think it's unfair for me to do so. I guess I much prefer to write when it comes spontaneously, I just type whatever comes next in my head and usually I end up with a pretty good story. Some people write as a hobby, to release their emotions and express their feelings. Others just do it for fun and to improve their literature skills. And the rest write to touch people's hearts - like what I'm aiming to do - to make them feel engaged with the story, to make them believe that it's real even though it's not. Famous authors like John Green, Stephen King, Jodi Picoult, Lauren Oliver, J. D Salinger, Harper Lee who wrote (How to Kill a Mockingbird) write amazing novels that touches people's hearts. Some even feel like when they reach the end of the book they feel as if they've lost something.. A friend, or themselves. I'd like to do that one day. I don't want people to just read my work; I want them to feel. I want to touch their hearts and make them feel like my story is real, like it's speaking to them. I want them to feel how I feel when I read a good book.

It's going to be hard but I'm gonna work for it, and maybe just maybe I will make that kind of impact on people. Who knows one day I finally achieve my dreams. It's weird to think how I - out of all the people - have finally planned my future and what I'm going to do. I already know what I want to do for degree, I know where I want to go and I know how I'm going to get it. I just have to really work and read a lot. I have to be able to be up there, and just write. Let my imaginations wander, let the words flow like a river stream. Once I've accomplished that I know I'd have done everything that I ever wanted to do in the world. One day. This, I'm sure of.

Everything's jumbled up.

"Looking at you it occurred to me, I could sit all day wearing nothing but your kiss."

People tell you that you deserve better, but how come no one is ever willing to give it to you? I know that these things are planned by God and that we have to just go with it but I just sometimes wish there was a sign somewhere warning me about what's ahead to be careful, so I won't fall into a hole with no one to help me up afterwards.

I really don't know what I want when it comes to these things. I guess I just want to be loved by someone and experience a relationship that actually lasts for once. Not just last for the time being but really last till God knows how long.. That's the shit thing about having to 'stay strong'; you're not allowed to feel weak at all. I supposed it's a good thing.

I guess God has answered my prayers, to make him happy. As cliche as this sounds, you really put the people you love before you. It's true, and I'm sad to say that it is.. I sometimes wish I have the courage like my cousin does. She's invincible, and yet the most fragile human being I've ever come across. But she doesn't show it, that to me is hope. Hope for the better, hope for whatever good's in life.

I'm going to keep myself busy, I'm going to smile and hope, I'm going to do things for myself and I'm going to succeed. I really don't know how else to feel.. I'm not exactly numb but I can't exactly describe of what I feel right at this instant either. I guess I just need to try harder in order to walk the talk. And hope for the better.

Hope. Because that's all we can ever do when things don't work out the way that we want it to.

The end has come for the start of a new beginning.

I feel like it's appropriate if I write a post now; to sum up how my 2013 was in words. This year (still 2013) would be the only year where I think it's safe to say for me, that I've had the most experiences yet. I gained the most courage to do things that I'd have never in a million years thought I'd do, I fell in and out of love with the same person and from that I learnt to forgive. I lived without my parents for a year without getting into trouble! There are so many new people I've met and made friends with and thankfully made zero enemies - at least I hope I didn't make any - and I am eternally grateful to have met all of those people. And not to mention, I went back home in London. I got to see my second family again, which was probably one of the highlight of my year.

The people that made my year bearable would probably be my cousin, her boyfriend (Rizam) and my best friend. I wouldn't have had all these adventures and unforgettable memories without them. They give me so much to remember, so much to remind me that I am loved and accepted. I can still remember all the things I went through with them vividly and that is magical. I know it isn't the end of the world yet but it's never the wrong time to thank the people you love for being there for you, playing a big part in your life. They constantly remind me that I'm a big part of theirs.

Next year is going to be a better one I hope, filled with more exciting adventures. Last year I said I wanted to be a better person, and in a way I am.. I learned to accept things better, I learned that everyone should be afraid of taking risks, it's if you're willing to or not and I'm glad I took a lot of risks this year because if I didn't, things would've been different. And I wouldn't change anything because everything happened for a reason.

I am still learning to move forward, to forget and in time I will. The downside of the year would be falling in love with someone and the relationship didn't quite work out when I was so sure it would've. It was short but it was also the longest I've ever been in a relationship with a guy and to be fair, I don't regret it for a second. It hurts yes but it was a good ride even if it was for a while. I wish him well in the future though, I wish him all the happiness in the world.

The highlight of 2013 for me would be those sleepless nights spent with my college mates; a mini vacation with my cousin and Rizam; went out on a proper date with the same person countless of times; went back to London; met a few of my friends that I haven't seen in 7 years; constant arguing with the best friend; getting a haircut and basically just everything.

I'm excited for 2014, I want to improve myself and make the most out of every situation. Have a blessed year ahead everyone and before we know it, we'll reach the end of the year again.

Happy New Year.
Love,
Haziqah.

There and back again

I guess it gets kind of depressing posting about the same things over and over again, and it is because no one bothers reading it. That makes it even more depressing, for me it does anyway. So now I am going to write about things other than being sad and broken hearted. I am going to write about what it feels like coming back home, to a place where I sort of grew up in and seeing the people that matters to me again.

It seemed like years since I left London - though it's only been a year and four months - and I thought of coming back, of course but years later. I thought wrong. I was given the opportunity to come back after a year and let me tell you this, it was great. Better than great, it was precious. It was even more precious when my wonderful girls; Viviane, Afusat & Lizzy came all the way to Heathrow to pick me up and boy let me tell you, the look on their faces when they saw me was beyond priceless. I was lost in words.

Moments went by, I met my wonderful Jay and walked around Central with him. Literally walked from Oxford Street to London Eye (the Jubilee Garden) and back again to Oxford Circus. It was tiring, but it was worth it. Time flew by just like that and we did was just talk. Catching up with him was good, and it feels almost heartbreaking when it was time to say goodbye. I spent time with Orgil, Travis, Salim, Paulius and Farruh. That was a good day too. It was cold though, that was the only downside about it really.

It felt.. Surreal. To me, it wasn't just a vacation where "Oh I'm in London again," it's more like "I'm back home." Back home to a place where I belonged and welcomed with warm hugs and smiles. That's how it felt going back. But I can't deny, I like where I am now too. I may have not spend most of my years here but there are years and years to come (if God wills it) and it's full of adventures. Life here is full of adventures. Even the bad kind, it's just a part of the it I suppose.

I like using the word 'adventure'. What I'm basically trying to say is that the people in my life - regardless of whether it's a stranger, someone close or someone that I am yet to know - they are all a part of my life's adventure. Many more memories to be made, many more rough situation to face but you know what? That's okay. It's okay because that's how it works. It's all just an adventure.

There's always a silver lining. Always have faith, and be positive. If it's anything you taught me, it's to always find the silver lining.

Trusts and doubts.

When in doubts, I often think of the worst scenario. I think of all the bad and negative thoughts, and those thoughts literally destroy me sometimes. It hurts, and I blame others for the pain but when I actually think about it, I'm hurting myself. The over thinking kills, and I just wish I can stop it.

That's when things start to get all funny and rocky, when I have doubts. I know I shouldn't, but I can't help myself from thinking about it. I've been trying though, trying my best not to. It only works when I think of all the good things in life, of all the good times that I've ever had and of all the good times that I will experience in the future. It doesn't work all the time, but when it does it helps me get through it.

One of the things in life I think that's worth holding on to is when you finally think of something like, "I am never letting that go. No matter how shit or fucked up it gets," and that's when you know, when I know that something is worth holding on to. That's when I think of you, and for someone who always think of the worst, I think that you are worth holding on to. It doesn't make sense, I am hurt in so many ways but the hurt is beautiful in a way. It's a pain worth going through. He is a pain that is worth going through.

I expect things too, of course but maybe my expectations are too high. I can't blame myself for this though, not on this one. I've never been good at relationships, so I expect a lot though I never really get all of those expectations. Doesn't stop me from loving him though.. I wish I know what I want, and what I'm doing. In time, I know I will fuck things up, I just wish he won't give things up because I know I won't. Not this time.

I think of all the great things that will come later on in my life, all the adventures and I want to be able to share it with him. It's never wrong to hope for the best, I am not going to give up. Things will be better soon. I'm sure it will. I know it will.

It has to be okay.