Let me be the one.

                               

It's April, I can't remember the last time I updated my blog. I suppose it doesn't matter much, I don't think anyone still bother about reading my blog. I don't even have the actual time to update anything on it anymore too. Well, at least not as often as I used to.

Food for thought: taking risks often lead to heartbreaks and disappointment, but that doesn't mean it's not worth it. I'd like to reflect this back to May (or was it June?) last year. It's been almost a year and I still haven't exactly fathom why it's you who I still think about. A year and with everything that's going on in my life, you've never left my mind not even for a bit. I wonder if I'm still in love with you, or whether it's the memories that haunt me. I tend to make myself busy with other things but either way, I never stopped thinking of you. 

Now though, now I want to be brave again and take more risks. The kind of risk you taught me to take. I want to speak only the truth; of feelings and love. I want to go on new adventures, take new risks, learn all the beautiful things about life. I might have this with someone new, but I'll always think of you. You taught me all these things and one must never forget those who once made them the happiest they've ever been. Even if it was for a little while.

I must admit though, I have lost myself again in trying to discover the way out of this twisted labyrinth and I've let myself in a lot of holes and traps that's honestly quite easy to escape from but somehow, stupidly enough I make it hard for myself to get out. These are the things that I have not yet come to understand why I do it to myself. 

Falling again after you've picked yourself back up is probably one of the most tiring thing to do, emotionally. It's not like you planned to fall; one day you get to know a person and they planted seeds inside of you waiting for a garden to grow, full of flowers full of life and suddenly they decided to stop watering it. They decided that they want to plant new seeds. Then what's left of the garden is just, wilted flowers and toxic weeds. I'm not exactly sure if this is how I feel right now but it's how I felt once before.

Falling isn't exactly the word that I'd use to describe it but I definitely have developed some sort of attachment to this one particular person. However I can't and won't give in, unless I'm sure that he too, feels the same. This goes back to May (or maybe it was June, I can't remember) last year. It's exactly how I felt. I want to have the ability to tell the truth, but there's just something that's pulling me back. 

The risk I took with you, giving us a second chance was not a mistake but was a lesson. You were that individual who walked in my life to teach me that everyone should be afraid of taking risks but it's if you're willing to or not. You left me wounded and scarred but that doesn't mean that it wasn't worth the risk.