Tuesday, 14 March 2017

First year down, two to go.




Hello, hello. Yes it is I. I am still here, still alive and I'm back again with a new post. First of all, how y'all doing? I hope everyone (if there is anyone) is doing great. I for one am not doing so bad, if I do say so myself. I'm just a little stunned at the fact that I have two weeks of uni left before I finish my first year. I started in September. Where did the time go? Honestly, I feel like the months went by just like that and I have no idea what I've done since September *insert laughing emoji here*.

That's not entirely true, I know what I've done but I feel like the course that I'm studying is so chilled and I don't know how I feel about it. It's like a love-hate relationship. I hope for my second year, which I'm starting in October (yes, I have 5 months break) will have more work… Did I just say that? Yes, yes I did. I really don't have a lot of exciting things to talk about in today's blog unfortunately, I just wanted to write a quick update to let you know that I am still here, and I think I'll always be here. Unless I die, then there's that.

I do want to talk about something I recently picked up an interest in but I want to do that in a different post because I think it's more appropriate. Oh yeah, there is something else I wanted to update on; I think I mentioned this before but I have another blog, it's meant to be for uni but even after uni finishes, I'm still going to keep it and update regularly (well, I'll try anyway) on it. And it's mostly about my work, any pieces of writing or poem or whatever that I have, I'll post it on there. I feel like it's a good platform for me to improve and we all have to start somewhere right?

I'd really appreciate it if you, whoever you are can take a look at it here and give some feedback or a productive criticism or even love on anything that I've posted. I accept it all unless if you're going to be a dick then I won't tolerate it. Even if it's THAT bad, let me know nicely because I am not a professional though I hope to be one day and that's why I'm doing this blogging thing, you know? I really don't have anything else so I guess that's all I have for today then.

x, Haziqah.

Thursday, 5 January 2017

Him.

catharsis, n.  
"I took it out on the wall.  
I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. YOU FUCKER, I LOVE YOU."

The Lover's Dictionary, David Levithan. 




Monday, 2 January 2017

A fresh start.

Image from here.

Strange as it seems, it's already 2017. I know, it's been so long since I last updated this blog.. or any blogs that I have actually. I have no specific reasons as to why I haven't been writing, I just didn't feel like it. Oh, by the way, Happy New Year! A lot has happened since I last updated and I wish I could say that all of it was exciting, adventurous stuff but I can't. But I'll tell you about all the good and blessed things that took place in 2016.

First of, I moved back to London… which I assume some of you who follow me on my social medias you would already know (… and she writes as if she's a celebrity). The day I found out I was moving back to London, I didn't know what to feel. I always thought that if I were ever to move back, I would be the happiest person on Earth because I always thought London was home but when I found out, I literally bawled. Like an infant. For someone who has never had a proper place to call home, no real friendships that last for years, I finally found what I can call home in Malaysia. It's true what they say, home is not a place but rather a person.. or a feeling. It's kind of sad if you think about it but sometimes in order to be a better person or have a better life, you need to make sacrifices. 

On the brighter side though, I have the chance to do my degree in London. For those who are wondering what course I am majoring in, it is Creative Writing and Journalism. I actually applied for a different course but time wasn't on my side back then so I just went with what I was offered. I was pretty happy anyway because at least I'll finally be studying on how to become an actual writer. I wasn't so keen on the journalism part, particularly because I have never wanted to become a journalist or even thought about having to do anything with journalism but hey, life works in mysterious ways and sometimes it's for the best. Who knows I might be the world's best journalist one day (not really but a girl can dream).

Though leaving home was hard, London has and will always be a part of me so all in all, I was or am content with this journey that I am currently on. So, unto a more sad story; I don't know why but it seems like every year, I will always fall out with someone. Sometimes more than one person and it is really sad because you thought - you hoped - that those people will always be in your life forever but you thought wrong. A new year's post for 2016, I wrote about spending time with two best people that I've ever known but as time goes by those same people somehow abandoned (?) no, abandon is too strong.. I would say forgotten me within one year and the funniest thing was, I always thought that they out of all the people in the world would never do such a thing but I guess I was wrong. I'm not going to lie, at first it felt like hell. Being slowly forgotten and then as the year proceed, more and more I was completely out of the picture. But that's the thing that hurt the most, it was just me. They still seem to be getting along just fine with each other; it was just me that they left behind.

Sometimes I wonder if somehow it was my fault, but every time I look back at it, I don't know what I did wrong. I am not writing this out of self pity, or that I want anyone to feel sorry for me but it has been a while since I last wrote anything in my blog so why not? From time to time, I endured the pain and thought to myself you know what? It's fine. Maybe they were all just busy and I mean I can't really blame them because everyone has a life of their own, so I let things go. But as the year goes by, the pain was just too much for me so I really decided to let them go. I mean it hurts seeing them together laughing and joking when I used to be in the picture.. It hurts seeing them act like nothing was wrong when they, out of all the people should know me and how I really am but I guess that's just it. Maybe in those three years of being "best friends", they never really knew me at all. Sometimes when I think back of all the things we went through, of all the times that I was there for them when no one else was, times when I was the only person who believed in them when no one did, was all those time and love worth it? Till this day, I'm still trying to figure it out if I'm honest.

I'm not one to bring things up, but I just wonder if it was worth; if they were worth it. Three years, a lot happened in those three years. For every birthdays, I always thought of how to make them happy. For every problem, I was always there to listen and carry the burden with them because that's what friends do. And funnily enough, I thought they were my friends too but jokes on me, huh? It took me a lot of courage to let them go because even though it was just a short period of time, for someone like me who constantly move around a lot, who constantly needs to make new friends, I really loved them. There isn't anything that I wouldn't do for a friend. But I guess, Allah has better plans for me, for them and it's all been written down so there's no use to linger or stress over it. Whatever that happened was for the best and what's important right now is to keep moving forward and never look back.

On a more happier note though, old friendships rekindled, I am still in love with the same person, I started wearing the hijab and got myself closer to my creator, my Lord, my family is healthy and alive, and as am I. 2016 has been a year full of surprises and lessons - as all the previous years was - and overall, it was a damn good year. I am excited of what 2017 is going to bring to the table but whatever it is, I am ready. So my new year's resolution is this:
1) To become a better daughter, for my parents because they deserved nothing but the best.
2) To become a diligent, honoured student and prove to myself that I can do it.
3) To become a better lover, for my beloved; for he is ever so patient and kind and loving to me.
4) To become a better Muslim.
And last but not least, 5) to become a better person in general.

And here is to you, whatever it is that troubled you in 2016, leave it there. Whatever and whoever that made you unhappy, let them go no matter how hard it is. I promise you, better things are ahead. It's the new year and you have 363 days to create memories, go on adventures, discover new things, love more people and be happy. Even on days when you feel like the world is against you, just smile and count your blessings because there are others in this world that wish they have your life. If you are a Muslim, say alhamdulillah everyday because you are alive and if that's not enough to be happy about then I don't know what is.

Have a magical year ahead.

Love,
Haziqah. 

Tuesday, 12 July 2016

Seven months later.


Hello, to anyone who's reading. Honestly, my blog is pretty much dead probably because I tend to update it once every few months or maybe even twice a year. I don't know why I still have this blog if I'm completely honest, I mean I rarely update it and I doubt anyone still reads it but nevertheless, I can't seem to get rid of it. I've had this blog for 6 years, and I think I'll keep it for 6 more. Maybe even longer. Hehe.

Anyway, it's July now. My favourite month of the year (I wonder why, *hint hint*) and I would like to wish every Muslim in the world, happiest Eid Mubarak! I started writing a new post prior to this one wanting to wish everyone a happy Ramadhan but meh, that post stay buried in my drafts for months. I have to admit, I haven't exactly written anything for almost a year. Not even in my journals. Yes, plural because I have more than one journal to write in. Why? I have no idea, I guess I just like books in general. So bare with me if there are any grammar errors, spelling mistakes or  even if it just doesn't make sense. It's currently 2.30 a.m. as I'm writing this and I'm supposed to be finishing off my work but hey, everyone needs a little break right? So, my last post was in January and let me tell you one thing, time sure flies faster than lightning. One day everyone's wishing each other "Happy New Year!" the next thing you know it's July. Amazes me. But anyway, I hope 2016 has been treating you well, whoever you may be.

I, on the other hand, have literally taken almost a year off doing absolutely nothing. Well, I wouldn't really say nothing, because a lot of things happened for the past 7 months but I haven't exactly been doing anything adventurous, or spontaneous either. This year has been kind of dull, but amazing at the same time. What's dull is probably because I've finished college and most of the people whom I thought were my "forever people" kind of forgotten about me. It's fine, I guess. Life happened and everyone's gone their separate ways. But if you ask me, if I was important to them as they were to me, we would've still been on our bombastic, unforgetable adventures together. Alas, everything has an expiration date and I guess our friendship had one too. Kind of sad, really but at some point in life you kind of get used to it and you just think to yourself, "you know what? If I matter, I shouldn't have to chase anyone to be in their life". And so that's what I did, I stopped chasing after those who no longer wish to be in my life. I do wish them well though, to anyone who fell out with me (or if I fell out with you); I wish you well and healthy and happy. 

What's amazing about my 2016 thus far is probably because of, of course, my family. Without them, I am nothing and I wouldn't even be here. Another person who I feel really blessed to have in my life is the man in this photograph. Now, before you cringe, I would just like to say this, I am just very, genuinely, extremely grateful for this man's existence and presence in my life. I am grateful for his patience, his kindness, his warmth and of course his love. Nothing is for certain but I sure pray to the Almighty that he is. I wrote once about loving someone just because they exist and there's no other better reason to love someone than that; well this man is it. Despite all the arguments and cusses, I am more than content, I am happy. 

Another year will soon pass and I pray to Him that this guy will still be around for next year. Hopefully for many more years to come. We can only plan but He is the one who decides and makes it happen, for His plans are far greater than ours. But we musn't lose hope and faith in Him, and we must always put our heads on the ground and talk to him and to thank Him for everything that He has given us in this life. He is here with us, He listens. He will never fail you and I am lucky to have Him as my Lord. 

Moving on, I guess I don't really have much to write in this post. There are a few things that I would like to write about, mostly of what's happening around the world but I'm afraid that I might be pushing the wrong button or pull the wrong trigger, so I don't think I'll even go there. I'd much rather have my blog like this; quiet and peaceful with just a few people reading it. Actually, I'm lucky to even have anyone reading this dusty old blog. Haha. I guess that concludes my post for tonight then. I should get back to my work now. I'm sorry if it's uninteresting, my next post will be better, I promise. Till then, x.



Monday, 25 January 2016

A new adventure to happiness.

Hello hello, everyone. I hope it's not too late for me to wish everyone a Happy New Year, right? Well, Happy New Year to whoever's out there! Before I start writing any further, I would like to wish you all a wonderful year ahead. I know I'm a wee bit too late, considering it's almost February but we're only one month in and it's never too late to wish something good to other people. I also hope that any one of you who had a terrible year before, have the courage to leave it all behind and start something that makes you genuinely happy. I desperately wish for anyone of those who was hurt by someone or something in 2015 forgive what it was that hurt you and forget about it. Keep moving forward, because time is ticking and life doesn't stop, nor does it wait for anyone. I watched a movie called 'The Curious Case of Benjamin Buttons' and there's this one particular quote in the movie which really helps me to move forward, whenever I feel like this is the end of it for me. "For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again." I really hope that whoever feels like that it's the end for them, it really isn't. You have a choice. You always have a choice.

So, I'd like to write about a person, who I feel like has made an impact in my life like no one else. Don't get me wrong, this is not one of my cliche 'love story' again. Have you heard of the saying, "some people come into your life for a reason, others for a season"? Well, to me this particular person is both. I'd like to think so anyway. I wouldn't say that 2015 was the worst year for me, but there were a few times I felt like I wanted it to be over so badly and this is where this person came in because out of nowhere, he appeared in my life and though momentarily, he reminded me of what it feels like to be worthy of something. It's a little sad that he's gone but I'm pretty sure there are souls out there similar to mine who needs his aid more than I do and maybe that's why he left. His purpose was met and so he left my life, to go on and remind others that they too, are worth something. I do miss our late night conversations though, they always make me feel at peace. I feel serene whenever I talk to him. I don't know if anyone else has ever felt this way about another soul, but the moment we knew each other I felt somehow connected to him in ways I can't express. To me, he was like a character from a book. Too good to be true. He was unreal, and in the best possible way.

Out of everyone I've ever known in my 19 years of living, no one has ever made me feel as connected with someone than he did. It's like reading a book and finding yourself completely dumbfounded by the protagonist because you wish for a character as such to exist in the real world? As silly and cheesy as this sounds, that's how I felt about him. He reminded me of Alex, a character from one of my favourite books called Delirium. So full of love, dreams and hopes; yet full of mysteries. I miss our late night conversations because I'd like to think that's where his true self appeared; when he was most vulnerable and honest. I could be wrong, but that's just how I feel. He could've meant otherwise but I'd like to believe he was sincere with every word he's ever uttered to me. It was the things that he said to me, which makes me feel extremely grateful to be, well me - plain, old, boring Haziqah. I really would like to share a few of the things that he told me but I think it's better if I keep it to myself, like our own little secret.

I do apologize if I sound like I've fallen completely in love with this person but truth is, I'm not. I don't have that sort of feeling towards him at all. I just feel like it's wonderful to have come across someone who was in sync with me; someone who reminded me of myself. I'm not sure if he still reads my blog but if he stumbles upon it, I'd like to say,

Hey. I hope you'll have an amazing year this year and I hope that all the choices that you make in this life makes you happy, the same way you make the people around you happy. I hope that life is good to you, and I hope that whatever happens in this life you'll never lose that faith; the faith that you said I had in me. I hope God is always with you and helps you, and I really wish too, that the person who makes you happy right now can and will always kiss your pain away because you deserve nothing but happiness.

I guess that's it. Till my next post, x.