Loneliness. - Part 10

I had the best Saturday ever yesterday even though it was very tiring. Annie said that since we have a new neighbour, she was going to throw a welcome party and invite everyone in the neighbourhood and I was very excited about it. I looked forward to it because hopefully, I will appeal more to people and hopefully, I would make more friends. Even if I don't, I would still have Freddie and honestly, that's enough as it is, especially for a girl like me. "Alright, so, what am I gonna cook? God, I haven't been this excited ever since I married your dad," Annie squealed in excitement. I smiled and kissed her cheek thanking for what she has done for me.

"Just do what you do best honey!" Bob shouted from the living room while reading his newspaper. I went over to him and hugged him from behind and kissed his cheeks. It was a very nice Sunday afternoon ; the weather, the atmosphere and most of all, the excitement that I feel. I haven't felt this excited since, well ever. I went up to my room and stood by the window hoping to see Freddie's face and just as I expected he was there smiling.

He was holding a notepad and on the pad, it says 'can i come over? :)' I grinned happily and nodded. He crawled from his window and started to make his way to my room. Because our roof was connected, it was easy for him to make his way although I wasn't sure why he did that and not just use the front door like always.

I opened my window and chuckled, "What in the world are you doing?" I yelled and was a little bit scared.

"Don't worry baby, I got this!" he said stumbling over. The word 'baby' made me feel really special and I stepped out of the way when he crawled in my window. "Damn, that was awesome. I can get use to that," he jumped on my bed. "Comfy bed, I might sneak in one day," he giggled. I raised my eyebrow because I wasn't sure what he meant by that.

"Why did you just climbed all the way?" I was curious to know. "Like I said, I have to get use to it," he gave me a wink. I jumped on the bed next to him and he pulled me down. We fell on the floor and giggled.

"Jen! Are you okay?" Bob yelled from downstairs and I covered Freddie's mouth.

"Ye-yeah, I'm fine dad," I said still giggling. "Why'd you pull me down?" I slapped his chest. He shrugged and gently kissed my forehead.

"I've got something to tell you," he said.

"What?"

"Tara's coming back today and I'm gonna go meet her," he said and hugged me. He held me tight and sighed deeply.

"What's wrong?" I asked sounding a little sad.

"I dunno, I've been with Tara for so long and-" he paused and sighed again.

"And you still love her," I continued his sentence for him. I wasn't surprise because I knew that there wouldn't be an 'us'. He loosen his hug and looked at me, apologetically. I smiled at him and brushed his hair. "It's okay," I whispered. I wasn't happy because to be honest, I was hurting inside and I felt really sad but it's too good to be true. It always has.

"No, I- I don't know, I'm confused," his voice was breaking and he hugged me again. I hugged him back, and tighter this time.

"What time do you have to meet her?" I whispered. He kissed on the top of my head and sighed, again. "Stop sighing," I chuckled wryly.

"In five minutes," he whispered back.

I got out of his grip and pushed him, "Go. You don't wanna be late for your girlfriend," I said and it broke my heart. I was scared that he was only using me but I didn't want to believe that he is. I pushed his back towards the window, "go back the way you came in." He turned around and our body were inches apart. I didn't looked at him in the eye because it would hurt me more but I could feel him staring straight at me with his beautiful blue eyes. I swallowed and closed my eyes. "Go," I whispered again and pushed him out completely.

I closed the window and now I looked at him; his eyes were filled with hurt and guilt. I attempted to smile but I couldn't so I closed the curtains and fell down on the ground. "God Jenny, this is what you get for believing that someone likes you," I cursed myself and hit my head on the wall for multiples of times.

I bit my lip and shook my negative thoughts and intend to look on the bright side of the situation. I got up and peeked through the curtains and Freddie was gone. At least I wasn't crying because I have been expecting this from the beginning. Out of habit, I bit my lip and sat on my dressing table looking at my reflection in the mirror. I held my hair up and pouted. "You're beautiful," I told myself and then laughed. "Jesus, who am I kidding? No you're not, you're ugly as shit. No, shit is prettier than you," I laughed and then someone knocked on my door.

"Are you okay sweetie?" Annie came in my room and stood behind me. I nodded and put my hair down.

"Of course, why wouldn't I be?" I asked her rhetorically.

"Maybe because you just called yourself shit," she answered and sat on my bed. I turned my head around and smiled sarcastically,

"That was a rhetorical question Ann."

"You are very beautiful Jen," Annie said sympathetically. She looked even more sad than I was which surprised me. I turned to look back at the mirror and slapped my face repeatedly when tears started flooding in my eyes. "Stop that!" Annie took my hand and I looked at her with tears streaming down my cheeks. I sniffed and hugged her. "Oh baby," she said and coax me. She rubbed my back gently and shushed me. "Look, to me and to Bob, you're the most beautiful girl ever okay and I don't want you to think that you're not," she wiped my tears away with her sleeve.

I laughed sheepishly and sniffed, "thanks Ann."

"Anytime baby," she said and then hugged me again. Knowing that Annie was here, she made me feel less lonely. "I gotta go feed your dad now otherwise there'll be war," she joked. I chuckled weakly and nodded. She left the room and I gaze in my reflection again. I pushed my hair behind my ear and then undo it. My stomach grumble and I realised that I haven't eaten anything since morning and it was so not like me. So, I decided to run downstairs and check what Annie has cooked.

When I was down the stairs, Bob's arm was wide open and he walked towards me giving me a big hug. "My beautiful little girl," he kissed the top of my head. I looked over at Annie and she smiled.

"Okay, ow dad, you're squashing me now," I joked. Bob let me go and put his arm around my shoulder.

"I'm starving, what're we having?" I asked Annie to break the loving-awkwardness.

"Corn bread and chili," Annie said from the kitchen while she was preparing the plates and forks. We ate lunch together and joke about overrated celebrities, our neighbours and American government. This has always been our conversation and even though we were bad mouthing about people, it felt good because we can say whatever we want and they won't even know anything. After lunch, I decided to take a stroll in the neighbourhood area to clear my mind.

When I stepped out on my front porch, I saw Mr Johnson placing a couple of flower pots next to his driveway. I wanted to greet him but the whole point of me taking a stroll outside was to clear my mind so I didn't. I walked pass the Johnson's house hoping he didn't notice me but he did. "Hey Jenny!" Mr Johnson yelled out my name. He was wearing a plain white t-shirt with stain on it and black tracksuit.

"Oh hi Mr Johnson," I greeted him back. I hope I didn't sound rude or anything but I really was tired and sad.

"What's up?" he asked and not the 'how's it going?' type of 'what's up' but more like 'are you okay? What's wrong?' type of 'what's up.' I shook my head and smiled at him hoping that he won't ask me any questions like, 'where's Freddie' or 'how are you and Freddie'. "Okay then Jen, is that okay if I call you Jen?" he asked. I nodded and smiled like a muted person. "Okay then, see you later," he waved.

"See ya," I replied and continued walking. I didn't know where I was headed to so I just went wherever my legs took me. I scanned my neighbourhood and never knew how friendly people here were.

I was surprise when a couple of old ladies watering the plants greeted me. I was even more surprise when some of the ladies knew my name when I didn't even know theirs. I felt bad because when I was busy thinking that my life isn't worth living, that I was invisible to everybody, people actually know me and I could've had the chance to get to know them back. So when they greeted me and asked me how I was doing, I replied the with the same thing, "I'm fine," or "Annie and dad's fine," or "see you later." What I really wanted to ask was questions like, "you know me?" or "how do you know me?" I was getting pretty bored so I decided to head home.

I took another route home, a longer route so I had to walk further because it would give me time to not think about anything and enjoy the scenery. When I was walking, kicking any empty can or bottle on the street, I saw Freddie and Tara hugging each other sexually and not lovingly. My eyes widened, and my heart broke. I blinked my eyes repeatedly and when Freddie saw me, I quickly walk away. He looked sad and forced. I sighed heavily and headed towards a lake near town. It wasn't far to walk to I decided to go there instead of home.