Hell hurts less.

I often complain about many many things, mostly about being unloved and all that. To come and think about it now, I push away the love. I've learnt not to love until I actually forgot how to love. It's actually a lot sadder than it is really. But there's just something that made me this way, I've build a bridge so high up that I am sure no one is able to break it down. 

One of the reasons why I avoid being in love or falling in love for someone is because when I am, I will feel the need to be with them 24/7, I will feel the need to know where they are, who they're with, what they're doing, I will be overly clingy which I hate so much, I will feel paranoid about being lied to, I cannot go to sleep without getting a goodnight wish, I will be the stupidest person alive. I will be the weakest person I know, and I don't want that. 

It hurts being alone; that feeling of loneliness just eats you up from the inside which makes you feel like everything around you is crumbling apart except for yourself but I think it's better if you are alone. It's not better actually but.. What's the point of being in love but not happy? I've seen the people around me go through the process, it ain't pretty. 

And I've also seen those whose relationships last for years and the suddenly something ever so little gets in the way and destroys everything. I don't want that. I don't want that happening to me, and I won't let it happen to me. If I feed these goddamn soul eating creatures with my weakness, they will win and tear me down. I can't have that. I'd rather be alone.

I'd actually rather break someone else's heart rather than feel it myself. Though I'm pretty sure what I'm doing right now is already breaking me apart. The worst thing is, I'm doing it to myself. I don't know what I want, I really don't know what to do or think about when it comes to this. I genuinely don't.