Ever since I started college, everything's changed quite a lot. I came here based on two reasons: to escape life and to start searching for a new one. I succeeded at both. What I mean by escaping life is the whole teenage love affair-drama-shindigs. I'd say this time, I'm quite lucky and pleased that I'm back in Malaysia. Obviously I'd trade everything to go back, and choose the life that I want to live but right now, I actually really am grateful.
Now, for a sad story. The kind of sadness that will get your eyes teary just thinking about it. I miss him. It's an uncontrollable feeling. It's quite daft thinking back about everything, and I hate that feeling too. I don't want to look back and think "what was I thinking? How could I've been so stupid?" no. I don't want that. I want to look back and reminisced about the good times he and I shared, I want to smile, and laugh, I want to feel the love grow each and every time I think about him even though we aren't together anymore. I don't want to feel regretful or hate, or most of all, I don't want to feel miserable. It's a constant fight between my brain and my feelings. I just feel numb now, which I reckon is a good thing for me. I don't need a lover, I need to live. Live the life that I'm building right now and get on with it.
I'm only 17, I don't need to think much about this. However, I do envy those who are in love, swimming in the sea of love; filled with both tears and joy, both happy and sad. They know exactly what they have to do to keep their relationship secure, they have each other. I am envious of anyone who are in love. It is, as cliche as it is, a great feeling being in a relationship with someone. You get to experience everything, every single feeling that you personally never knew existed. If I were to say, I know exactly where I'm heading to in life, would anyone believe me? If I say that I know which path I'm supposed to go, would anyone have faith in me?
But that's just it, I still don't know where I'm heading to. Every path leads me to nowhere. I have no faith, I am lost.
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