It seems like there's nothing to talk about anymore.

It's been a while since I last blogged. To say I've been neglecting this blog would be acceptable, but I doubt anyone ever reads it anymore. Or I hope no one does anyway, but if you do then I suppose I should apologize. For what exactly I don't know but I just feel like I should. 

I have felt really uninspired in so many ways since the last time I wrote. I've been writing in actual journals though, but I wouldn't really say writing. I'd say copying off quotes and poems I found off the internet into it to make the book seem less lonely. I do not want my inanimate object to feel what I feel, though it doesn't have feelings. 

Ever since I started college, I never really have time for myself and everytime I come back, everything just seems so wrong. Everything seems so useless, and pointless. Like the presence of me coming back home isn't needed by anyone. Home, I'm not sure if it's the right word for it anymore. I never seem to have the right amount of sleep, and I always seem to be a failure in everyone's eyes; especially in my own eyes. It's a sadness that overwhelms me everytime it crosses my mind and I just feel so.. helpless. I feel helpless in every way possible and I have no one to turn to. My only companion are the songs I have on my phone that are always on constant replays and these words that I've been dying to utter but will never have the courage to do so. 

Everything is so jumbled up in my very fucked up mind. Sometimes I think I'm doing it to myself. No no, I actually really am doing it to myself. I overreact, and over dramatize almost everything; it gets very tiring and chaotic. The worst thing about it is that I tend to drag some of the people around me without meaning to. I can say sorry for the millionth time and they would forgive me, but I can't forgive myself. Not for dragging others into my misery but for failing everytime. And I never seem to make sense anymore, everything I do and say, all the senses are gone. It's like I just do it, without any specific reasons. Like right now, I am unsure of what to write about, and I am afraid, afraid of failing everyone with my words. 

I lack the idea of how/what to write, I need to start doing more reading and less procrastinating. I'll find myself again, and I will write as I used to and when I do, the words will come pouring down like a heavy rain during the monsoon.